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Texas' own: The Reliques

My professor sent an email out to our class today about one of our classmates Sarah Dossey (pictured left) and Texas Alum Sarah Monteen who together form The Reliques-- such gorgeous singers! Their voices are addictive. I had to share. Check them out on their MySpace and vote them as your favorite Austin artist on 102.3 The River. Voting ends Sunday April 5th...so help them out!

Upcoming shows for The Reliques:

April 3- UT's REZ Week 7:00p

April 3- Moose Lodge 8:00p

April 8- Hole in the Wall 9:45p (The may actually convince me to go to that joint before I graduate)

April 21- Momo's 7:00p

2009 Round-Up: The weekend Fratastica met a high-lighter.

This past weekend many of you probably saw drunken sorostitues and frat daddies runnin’ amok around West Campus and thought you were on Spring Break '86 with Zach Morris and AC Slater...however, you were mistaken. It was just ROUND-UP 2009!

And right about now... if you are a GDI (God Damn Independent!) you are probably patting yourself on the back for not buying into the trend of paying for your friends freshman year.

Round-Up is a weekend where Fratastica mates with 1980’s florescent beach gear and produces Frat-escent-- an ensemble that really only highlights fratting’s chachiness. You can see by the picture below that when I opted to not go for the all too popular highlighter look... I inversely was highlighted. 

WHAT...Irony.

But I can’t front…Round-Up is the shit! It's the only weekend where I can pretend I’m an incoming freshman majoring in K through 4th Education from Beaumont while getting to take a turn on the slip-n-slide repeatedly! I love it. Not to mention the high school senior males visiting UT that I can take advantage of...

Welcome to college, boys!

SXSW III: From one half-assed blogger to one who receives 266 million page loads a day

I was fortunate enough to receive an invite to the Perez Hilton SXSW show One Night in Austin this year! Basically because the event had not reached capacity—but I’ll take it. This will probably be the only highlight of my year or life. The show was amazing and sponsored by Dos Equis… you know I was poppin’ and squeezin’ some limes! Here are a few highlights of the show:

Ladyhawke:

She already looks a tad washed up in that cracked out Kate Moss/Rachel Zoe raisin face way….but nonetheless has a great hit right now called “Paris Is Burning” and is currently on constant replay on my Itunes.



Thunderheist:

She’s super hot in killer heels, but her DJ was wearing that fucking SXSW fedora/flannel uniform (over him). Brings the energy, but one of those acts that are only good live or with a mix added to it at a club. Not as great on their cd.


Natalie Portman's Shaved Head:

Ughhh. This band blew and were so fucking annoying. And why would they call themselves Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head? Portman did it for V is Vendetta, a movie inwhich no one has ever seen—minus those people who like to protest the Scientology building on the drag. AND why waste a shaved head band name on her when you have Britney Spears’ shaved head that was all TMZ’d, more notorious, and was followed by her beating down a paparazzi's car with an umbrella…Eh? Eh? Eh? Clearly this group lacks the genius visual I had for them and their album cover.



NPHS was beyond annoying. They all wore pink, sparkles, and the one girl in the group sported a side ponytail and sang an entire song about her side ponytail. UGH. Reminds me of this one group in high school called SPC (Side Ponytail Crew)…it consisted of two seniors and the freshman cheerleading squad who ran around with side ponytails and whispered secrets to each other that only side ponytail people could hear. I don’t have to say any more for TXOJ readers to make the assumption that the group consisted of complete ass hats…and that NPHS is their equivalent.

I suggest that NPHS change their name to Bathroom Break…because that’s where I was during their shitastic performance.

Solange Knowles



Loved her! She cusses on stage, wears funky make-up, has a Motown sound, makes her band members wear banana suits, talks about smoking weed in H-town, and made sure when the mike went off and she went acapella that everyone knew she was “no perfect Beyonce!” Loves it. And MOST importantly does not wear that House of Deréon shit made by her mother, Tina. THANK GOD. That clothing line looks like something my grandmother would pick out after her 3 Manhattans. Bless you, Solange and you put your sister’s alter ego, Sasha Fierce, to shame on stage. WORK!

Little Boots:

Perez Hilton about creams himself when talking about this chick. She’s his next Katy Perry and sounds an awful like Kyle Minogue—just shorter, blonder, and curvier. Wait, that description is basically Kylie Minogue after her Chemo treatment while she was growing her hair out.

Anyways, LOVED THIS WOMAN! However, she does not have little boots. In fact she has average boots, but I guess that would make her average sounding. Just note that her stage name is based on lies. Her foot size is around 7-7 ½….my roommate Callie wears a size 6 and is 5’9… she is Little Boots. Her single right now that is catching airwaves: Meddle… .it’s also on my Itunes playlist.


Little Boots also performed with Kid Cudi on his song Day ‘n’ Night….great performance. You could tell she was not expecting it, but Kid Cudi showed up with Kanye West’s entourage.

Kanye West

That’s right, no typo in the Little Boots post…Kanye West showed up with his entire entourage that included P. Diddy’s former assistant, Fonzeworth Bentley, Kid Cudi, Kanye’s sunglasses and jewelry holding groupies, and Amber Rose…his bald headed stripper girlfriend with the Kim Kardashian ass.

Kanye of course couldn’t bare to acknowledge the crowd while watching Little Boots on the side of the stage, but his girlfriend took off her glasses and we made eye contact and she smiled genuinely and waved at me. Thus, I’ve looked passed her spread leg poses from the internet and think she’s the humble pie Kanye needs. Plus, she is actually extremely pretty in person. God bless her for dealing with Kanye’s ego—which is bigger than her ass.

Aside from Kanye’s ego that I hugely dislike…the guy knows how to get the crowd going and everyone went nuts. However, he was caught lip-synching Ashlee Simpson style during "Stronger" around the :45-1:00 mark while trying to fix his watch, but the self-proclaimed “Greatest Artist of All Time” went and turned down his pre-recorded voice and carried on with his performance. Thought it was kinda funny.

Videos of Perez Hilton's One Night In Austin courtesy of Henry Wu. Thank you!

SXSW Part II: Ben Kweller, Nelo, Jake Dilley and The Color Pharmacy, & The Jakes

As mentioned, I’m continuously broke due to the fact that I love the alchie…so I only participated in the free shows that took place before Wednesday.

The Belmont was THE place to be, or the only place I was, that had free music and FREE ALCOHOL. While there I was able to enjoy Ben Kweller, Nelo,
Jake Dilley and The Color Pharmacy, and The Jakes.

Ben Kweller… eh, most people in Austin know who this guy is.

Nelo is an Austin based band (or from Highland Park—but if I were them I would not advertise this tidbit, and I would definitely not wear an old HP high school shirt while playing). Regardless, they were pretty fantastic and extremely nice. The band members took pity on me as I tried telling them I was a legit blogger while being completely wasted. Props to them for not calling my ass out. Oh, and their music is legit. I would try and describe their music more—but I don’t really feel like it (Here’s where you reconsider ever reading this blog again.)



The drummer from Jake Dilley and The Color Pharmacy said he would describe their music as Pop Folk…I guess I agree. For some reason they reminded me of a pre-douchey Creed and Dave Mathews Band making a legit baby who doesn’t wear leather pants while shirtless (Creed, all fingers pointing at you). Instead, the singer looks like he has a part time job at Whole Earth and is ready to climb Pike’s Peak.

Jake Dilley and The Color Pharmacy is a band from Minneapolis. Really Trippey and I dig. The band consisted of all guys and a ginger woman who is partial to scarves and likes to use one those McDonald Happy Meal microphones. I think she and her plastic mike should go solo.

The Jakes from Irvine, CA are maybe a favorite of mine while at The Belmont, and I was completely sober when I listened to them so my commentary is not from a fabricated memory. Consider it a success. I think this indie rock band will be huge within a year, and according to their Facebook page they’re already getting play on The Real World (that show still exist?).

The band consist of 6 guys, 4 of which are Indian—which you never really see and major props. I think Slumdog Millionaire has set a trend for 2010…Jay HO! This band is truly great, and amazing live. While listening to them you would have thought they had already made it big, nothing was off key, stage presence was there, and they bring great energy to the stage. The only downside to this group…no one is named Jake. One comes close, but he goes by Jacob. I was kinda disappointed by this. I was hoping they were all named Jake and referred to each other by #1, #2, #3, ect. Sorda like George Foreman does to his 5 sons who are all named George Forman as well. The Jakes I feel are really missing out on a niche here.

And P.S. I tried finding a different Youtube video with as good of quality...but failed. This picture is a little too Al-Queda, and looks like a Youtube video where they're about to get their heads cutoff...too harsh? Not appropriate? I figured. Shit.

SXSW

As all of you kids with parents who not only fund your education but also your alcoholic habits left for Las Vegas, Cancun, Cabo, Panama City, New Orleans, ect. I stayed in Austin—I know, don’t piss your self with all of the excitement. I asked my parents for a Spring Break trip and they became hysterical with laughter and told me to go swim in my bathtub. Punks, they know my bathtub has no drain plug. Swimming in it is IMPOSSIBLE.

However, back to the point… As I was stuck in Austin I was able to partake in a little music fest called South By Southwest…or for most Ray Ban Wayfarer wearing cool kids, SXSW. Although my personal title, which all of you are extremely welcome to use: The Black Skinny Jeans, Black Pointy Boots, White V-Neck and/or Flannel shirt, Fedora Hat INVASION! Ooooor The Pete Doherty Pathetic Wannabe’s Meet and Greet.

Seriously, I didn’t know that besides the VIP badges everyone was sporting you also had to wear this outfit (pictured below). I swear anyone at this music festival probably saw 327,439,274,902,348,902 chach bags sporting this look.




Breaking News Flash: if 327,439,274,902,348,902 people are wearing this exact outfit, or an insignificant variation of this outfit…you are not unique. You are not trendy. And you might as well wear the pastel polo and Chinos uniform you all like to bash. Ugh, go burn your fingers while smoking a crack pipe you fedora wearing losers.

Evan Blackwell's Observation of the Day

A white sorority girl is buying a Young Joc album on Itunes in class.

When did the Texas Student Media Board become Super Bad?

Page 5 today of The Daily Texan had an article concerning the Texas Student Media Board...I don't actually read The Daily Texan articles because they're boring, but I do like looking at the pictures. This hunk of sexual manliness was pictured as a member of TSM...Is that you Seth Rogan?

The shittiest up-to-date blog that is still somewhat active.

Meditate on the title of this post and don't set any expectations for TXOJ. Being up-to-date is not what this blog is known for—neither is spelling. Deal with it.

With that said lets carry on my wayward sons...or backward sons--because we be back trackin' on this blog to cover what this great city of Austin has been offering in the last few weeks.

The week before Spring Break my future husband, Demetri Martin, decided to make a trip and come visit me--and 999 other UT students. It's cool, our relationship is open and he's not too aware of it. RSVP for our wedding in the commentary box.

After waiting in line for a total of 5 hours for this gem he was definitely worth the wait. Just thinking of his sexy ethnic Greek nose makes me want Spicy Pickles' Greek Salad even more. We were made to have vegetarian Greek baby nosed children. Dear Demetri, I want to jump on it while you draw a graph on how my stalkerism of you is in relation to the hots you have for me.

That's not my name!

After receiving an email from my grandmother addressed to someone by the name of none of her grandchildren asking if my sister, Jane, had married a guy named Bob, I could only think of my new obsession The Ting Tings and my own version of their song:

"My grandma...she forgets my name...She call me "hell"...She call me "Stacey"...She call me "twat"... She call me "Jane"...That's not my name, That's not my name...That's not my name!"

And Jane, is this her third Manhattan talking or do you have some explaining to do? If you did get married and eloped--I could not be more proud. You clearly did it the correct way this time and I hope you have the best 15 months of your life again. If not...we should seriously consider ganking some of her Xanax and selling it on the black market for some extra cash. It will be as easy as stealing prescription pills from a crazy--oh, wait...that's exactly what the situation is.

Love you grams.

Plano Minister proves he is a real Asshat

WFAA.com is reporting Plano Minister Joe Barron, 52, of Prestonwood Baptist Church was caught Thursday after chatting online for the past two weeks with someone he thought was a 13 year old girl.

Police said Barron arranged to meet with the girl Thursday afternoon in Bryan, Texas. He was met by undercover officers after driving to a prearranged location and arrested.

Barron is charged with online solicitation of sex with a minor, and could face up to 20 years in prison if convicted (Praise Jay-ses!)

Police seized a web cam, headset, and condoms from Barron's vehicle.

Barron is one of 20 pastors on Prestonwood's staff. He counsels married couples and heads mission trips. He was scheduled to lead a mission to Bogota, Colombia in August.

Scummy and SCUMMIER. This guy is a complete festival of EEEWWWW. He had condoms in a car--for a 13 year old?! Shivers. Oh, and the fact that he was going to lead a mission trip to Colombia in August--perfect. A place notorious for underage prostitution. I bet he was jumping up and down like a 5th grader in a jump roping contest to lead that trip.

And does he not watch TV? If you actually think that a 13 year old can talk THAT dirty to you and want to meet you in some random place--you deserve to have some guy from 60 Minutes and a bad comb over to be waiting for you with a full serving of undercover cops to bust your fucktard self.

I bet this Sunday Prestonwood Baptist will be praying for this asshat's sins, and not passing around the collection plate to try and save their asses from anyone who gets the bright idea that this church is screwed.

Hate the sinner, AND hate the sin.

P.S. It's been a while for me to be in a church, but back in my YoungLife days I used to go and listen to Matt Chandler speak...didn't he speak at Prestonwood Baptist? Yuck.

Quote of the day

"I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal...I remember when de Mello, who was at the UN, got killed in Baghdad as a result of these murderers taking this good man's life. And I was playing golf -- I think I was in central Texas -- and they pulled me off the golf course and I said, it's just not worth it anymore to do."

- George W. Bush on why he gave up the sport of golf.

Dear Mr. President,

You still serving as president of the United States--"sends the wrong signal." Your reasoning for why we are STILL in Iraq after 6 years--"is just not worth it anymore to do." And face it, you gave up golf because the concept of making a ball go into a hole was too hard for you to comprehend.

Sincerely,

TXOJ

E with MC^2

As we were all bunkered down in libraries and trendy coffee shops getting our study on for finals, I'm sure enough of you snuck a peak or two at any gossip column and discovered that the tall lanky kid who was NOT funny with saggy pants from Wild n' Out (aka Nick Cannon) married Mariah Carey (aka the woman who has breast separated by different area codes and steals mini dresses from 8 year old strippers).

I don't know about the readers of TXOJ, but I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you. Luckily Mariah was on Ellen today to explain the wedding and promote her new album E=MC^2.

(Note the symbolism: Mariah Carey is also Mariah Cannon (hints the MC^2) and Ellen starts with E...this was fate.)

Just a few things I would like to note in this clip:

- Most people would turn on their lezbo jets for Angelina Jolie--but not me. Ellen would make me jump the fence any day. She's hilarious, has killer dance moves, wears lingerie on the outside of her clothes, looks like a cute little German boy who is oddly taller than 4 feet, and parties with people like Tom Hanks (who I would then go straight for again for an entire new list of reasons).

-Nick plans to have a party to celebrate their marriage in one year. Way to dream big kiddo. However, you asshats got tattoos. Way to follow in the successful footsteps of Tommy and Pam, Britney and Kevin, and Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder. morons.

 -Mariah's tattoo is a fucking tramp stamp of a butterfly with "Mrs. Cannon" on the spine of the insect. That's EASILY blackout-able. Nick however got a huge ass "MARIAH" across his back. What is he going to do when this true love lands by the waste side? Pencil in "I boned...Mariah...and her boobs" or "Mariah...hoe made me sign a pre-nup" or will he simply just change her name to "Messiah" and begin healing lepers? 

I will write him on his MySpace and make sure he hears my suggestions (you know he checks it, he's not that famous).

Speaking of Ballers...

Ralph Handy, my new inspiration for life, reminded me of another teenager who made me laugh all inappropriately:

Meet Corey Worthington--he's a complete douche, but in a good douchey way. 

13 going on P-I-M-P!

This story is Shuh-mazing!

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

The credit card company involved said it was regular practice to send extra credit cards out as long as all security questions are answered.

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.

When police arrived at the motel they found $3,000 in cash, numerous electronic gadgets, an Xbox video console with numerous games, and the two local escort girls.

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

The $1,000 a night girls sensing something up played "Halo" on the Xbox with the kids, instead of selling their sexual services.

Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician.

13! He's a BALLER and I don't even think his have even dropped!

Seriously, I tried applying for a student loan and got stumped when they asked for my parents social security number. And what dumb broads would fall for the stunted growth traveling with a circus lie--wait, I probably would have, and then would have given them extra lovin' because circus people I'm sure are somewhat google-able. 

(haha personal note, this reminds me of a story of my brother, Mexico, tequila, and a midget named Tortilla--or did she make tortillas? haha I'll have to check on that)

Either way, one cannot write this shit. Richie Rich, Blank Check, and Billy Madison all wished they weren't produced by Disney so they too could have been as big of bad asses. 

Hell, the NY governor Eliot Spitzer wishes he had half the brains of Ralph Hardy.

I will totally vote for this kid when he turns 18...Party Hard with Hardy in '13! 

[not at 13, in '13--2013...I don't go for the youngins (lies)]

An overdue serving of TXOJ

Wow, it's been awhile TXOJ readers--mainly because after a semester of some severe procrastination finals came and I had to light a fire under my ass so the parentals would not choke a bitch. I'm sure many can relate.

Therefore, I give to all of you crossing your fingers and hoping you will be back next year on UT's campus...The Albino Squirrel! May he save all of our asses!

Also, The Albino Squirrel will hopefully bring luck to everyone who just graduated. Let's be real, you kids are the ones who need the real luck. From hear on out unfortunate people, every time you hear Kanye's "Welcome to the Good Life!" know that that D-I-V-A isn't talking about you. 

Texas '08, your expiration date for fun just expired. Best of luck rubbing elbows with the hobos on the drag making tie-dyed accessories...I'm sure it's just a temp job while you're "sending resumes out."